Thuringowa, USA – A group of charming and likable individuals has signed a petition asking Starbucks to abandon its policy of handwriting notes on every cup. The petition states:
“We, the undersigned, respectfully request that Starbucks abandon its new policy of handwriting small notes on every coffee cup sold in the U.S. A handwritten note used to be special. It used to be exclusive, reserved only for those of us charming enough to earn it. Please end this commoditization of innocent flirting, as it has lost its very essence.”
The petitioners argue that the new policy cheapens the personalized, individual notes they would normally have received prior to the change, disrupting the social hierarchy in the process.
The petition’s author, Sal Schmidt, said:
“I’m a Brit living in San Francisco, and my local Starbucks has always been especially friendly to me. Sure, the accent helps, but I’m pleasant and know how to talk to people—so they’d usually write me a little unique message. Now, the corporate office has cheapened the experience for people like me by giving every aura-free customer a generic, corporate-approved note like ‘Enjoy!’ or ‘Hi!’ It’s impersonal and has stripped away what made my local Starbucks special—it fuckin’ stings, man.”
Experts say the petition’s real problem is a lack of broad support. “The people it would actually affect are such an exclusive group that even if everyone signed, it’s still just a handful – and in this participation trophy age… the majority rule,” said Keith Connors, an industry analyst. He added that the group actually shrank further when it emerged that some members still receive personalized cups. “Mr. Schmidt is just upset he landed on the low end of cool—while the real smooth operators still get theirs,” Connors said.
Starbucks has reportedly taken the issue under advisement. More to come.
