Thuringowa Heights, USA — In what has been described as a real wake-up call, local 37-year-old man Vaughn Staveno was bitterly offended when he created a LinkedIn account for the first time, only to have it immediately suggest he apply for a job as a Cart Attendant at Walmart. Mr. Staveno created the profile as he attempts to change careers from being a blue-collar electrician to a white-collar salesman. Naturally, he thought he would start getting job suggestions for electrical sales roles. Sadly, that wasn’t the case.
In the weeks following the incident, the LinkedIn algorithm made another job suggestion — this time, Bagging Clerk at Sprouts Farmers Market — notably for less pay and benefits. It appears the algorithm didn’t hold much hope that Mr. Staveno would secure the cart attendant gig.
When questioned, LinkedIn CTO Harry Grainger explained, “Our platform utilizes sophisticated AI models and large-scale data analysis to optimize candidate-role alignment. These algorithms perform at an accuracy rate of 99.996%. So this peanut can be as upset as he wants to be… while he’s bagging groceries at Sprouts.”
The furor has struck a chord with aging millennials across Thuringowa. “I’m 40, been in management in the tech industry for 10 years, and it suggested an entry-level role for me the other day, so I get it… but Cart Attendant at Walmart at 37… man that’s fuckin’ rough.”
Local Thuringowans, however, have rallied around Mr. Staveno, with scores of people offering him cash work in the interim. “I need someone to do the weeding at my house since ICE deported all the gardeners. He can do that if he wants — I’m certainly not fuckin’ doing it,” said Frederick Van Endal, a local resident.
At the time of publishing, Mr. Staveno has reportedly made it to the second round of interviews for the Walmart job. We will keep you up to date with his progress.