Category: Immigration

  • The Two Thirds of Brits Who Want Lower Immigration are Obviously All Dumb and Racist

    The Two Thirds of Brits Who Want Lower Immigration are Obviously All Dumb and Racist

    United Kingdom – People are gathering in large numbers across the United Kingdom to protest the government’s immigration policies in the wake of several high-profile incidents in the past week.

    This has led UK Prime Minister — and King of Condescension — Keir Starmer to label the scenes as “far-right thuggery.”

    Polling data shows that a staggering 67% support reducing migration, while interestingly 37% of Brits are either migrants themselves or the children of migrants.

    It turns out that the country known for its education, sophistication, and tolerance is actually just a bunch of dumb and racist rednecks. It’s a shocking revelation, given that British people typically revel in looking down their noses at their Australian friends, often calling them racist.

    There is no world where these people might have a point. None. Their pride in their country is completely misplaced, and they should allow any and all people into their nation — into their houses, for that matter.

    This is regardless of the fact that organized groups of Pakistani men have been grooming and raping young British girls across the region for years. They are racist to question it. They are racist to even suggest a more moderate — or heaven forbid, conservative — immigration policy.

    Some argue this logic is flawed, with Londoner Graham Wigglesworth stating:

    “Wait, what? I’m all of a sudden racist because I want to cut immigration slightly and have Pakistani rape gangs prosecuted? Am I in Britain, or the Twilight Zone?”

    Unfortunately, the way the world is at the moment, the latter may prove to be true.

    *This publication operates in the USA, where free speech is protected – for now at least. Please don’t try to arrest me for facetious jokes.   

  • ICE Launches New Program Letting Americans ‘Tag and Bag’ Their Own Immigrant

    ICE Launches New Program Letting Americans ‘Tag and Bag’ Their Own Immigrant

    Thuringowa, USA — In a move designed to improve public opinion and funding of mass deportations, Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) announced yesterday that they will now be offering paid ride-alongs to the general public.

    The government has provided a suite of plan options, including:

    Silver Ride-Along

    Cost: $10

    • Viewing only

    Gold Ride-Along – Most Popular

    Cost: $175

    • Participate in an arrest, including the handcuffing of a detainee

    • Two 8×4 photo prints of you holding the illegal immigrant by the ears like a trophy buck

    • A two-month free trial of Apple TV

    Platinum Ride-Along 

    Cost: $950

    • Everything from the Gold package, plus:

    • Catching a “runner” with a dog-catching pole

    • Free honorary ICE T-shirt and cap with the slogan “I Caught an Alien But Nobody Believes Me”

    Diamond Ride-Along

    Cost: $2,750

    • Everything from the Platinum package, plus:

    • Transportation to South Florida Detention Facility (Alligator Alcatraz)

    • Participation in the “booking in” of prisoners

    • Delousing and hose-down of prisoners

    • Alligator feeding in front of detainees

    • A commemorative special-edition Trump gold $49 coin

    Corporate packages are also available, giving businesses the chance to choose an event—whether it’s a high school graduation, a farmers market, or even a Sunday church service—and accompany ICE agents on a full-scale raid as a team-building exercise. All standard plan options apply, with full training provided.

    President Trump claimed on Truth Social that the program has already generated $3 billion in revenue. However, a statement from the Treasury Department showed that while the program has indeed been financially successful—975,000 people have signed up in the 48 hours since go-live, bringing in a total of $253 million—it still fell short of Trump’s $3 billion claim. Trump later labeled the Treasury’s statement “fake news,” leaving the $3 billion figure as the one considered to be more accurate.

    Critics warn that the administration’s new program risks achieving the opposite of what it hopes for. They argue the deportation effort has been growing increasingly brutal and cold, and if this callousness continues, it could push public support in the opposite direction.

    “I am a Republican voter and deeply support strong borders and the deportation effort, particularly of violent criminals… but this seems a little extreme. More than a little. Just calm it down a bit for fuck’s sake. Do it in a respectful and humane way and the public will continue to overwhelmingly support it. If you keep doing this shit in more cold-hearted ways each week, you will lose support and the people will swap sides,” said one commenter.

    The administration declined to comment and seemingly isn’t bothered by dissenting voices, even from within their own party.

  • Home Depot to Offer ‘Basic Power Tool’ Workshops for Whites amid ICE raids

    Home Depot to Offer ‘Basic Power Tool’ Workshops for Whites amid ICE raids

    Thuringowa, USA – Beginner power tool classes are being held at Home Depots across the country in an attempt to plug the skilled labor gap left by the Trump administration’s ICE raids. These hands-on classes, taking place every Saturday morning, are exclusive to city-dwelling white men — a demographic group known to possess lower proficiency in manual labor skills.

    These “City Whites” are signing up in droves, not out of desire but necessity. “My gardener is all of a sudden too busy for me, he jacked up the price of my lawn maintenance and is now refusing to pull weeds. I’ve never weeded in my fuckin’ life. Now I gotta head to Home Depot… I’m sure there’s a power tool for that, I’ll ask the Mexican dude running the tutorials,” said Frederick Van Endal, a local Thuringowan white.

    Meanwhile, white men from the country have reacted with ridicule to the situation. “These ‘indoor boys’ give us country whites a bad name. How do you not know how to use basic hand tools? It’s a disgrace! Next you’ll be telling me they don’t know how to shoot!” – said one commenter.  

    On the other hand, wives around the country are reportedly advocating for different solutions. “If we can’t bring the illegals back, can we lower the legal working age? Maybe we can get Hispanic tweens out here working? An 11-year-old Mexican boy would no doubt do a better job than my poor excuse for a husband, to be honest,” said local wife Jessie Van Endal.

    In the political sphere, Trump has hailed the news as a win for the economy and job creation, opting to use the uptick in DIY labor to boost July job numbers.

    Meanwhile, Democratic lawmakers say this is exactly what they’ve been warning about for years. “If we kick out the illegals, then we gotta do all the work or pay more… Either way… no thank you,” said Sen. Michael Tillis (D-Thuringowa).

    The classes will reportedly provide real-world experience, requiring white participants to negotiate with wealthier individuals and secure at least one job from the parking lot before earning their completion certificate.