Thuringowa, USA – Beginner power tool classes are being held at Home Depots across the country in an attempt to plug the skilled labor gap left by the Trump administration’s ICE raids. These hands-on classes, taking place every Saturday morning, are exclusive to city-dwelling white men — a demographic group known to possess lower proficiency in manual labor skills.
These “City Whites” are signing up in droves, not out of desire but necessity. “My gardener is all of a sudden too busy for me, he jacked up the price of my lawn maintenance and is now refusing to pull weeds. I’ve never weeded in my fuckin’ life. Now I gotta head to Home Depot… I’m sure there’s a power tool for that, I’ll ask the Mexican dude running the tutorials,” said Frederick Van Endal, a local Thuringowan white.
Meanwhile, white men from the country have reacted with ridicule to the situation. “These ‘indoor boys’ give us country whites a bad name. How do you not know how to use basic hand tools? It’s a disgrace! Next you’ll be telling me they don’t know how to shoot!” – said one commenter.
On the other hand, wives around the country are reportedly advocating for different solutions. “If we can’t bring the illegals back, can we lower the legal working age? Maybe we can get Hispanic tweens out here working? An 11-year-old Mexican boy would no doubt do a better job than my poor excuse for a husband, to be honest,” said local wife Jessie Van Endal.
In the political sphere, Trump has hailed the news as a win for the economy and job creation, opting to use the uptick in DIY labor to boost July job numbers.
Meanwhile, Democratic lawmakers say this is exactly what they’ve been warning about for years. “If we kick out the illegals, then we gotta do all the work or pay more… Either way… no thank you,” said Sen. Michael Tillis (D-Thuringowa).
The classes will reportedly provide real-world experience, requiring white participants to negotiate with wealthier individuals and secure at least one job from the parking lot before earning their completion certificate.
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