Thuringowa, USA — In a move designed to improve public opinion and funding of mass deportations, Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) announced yesterday that they will now be offering paid ride-alongs to the general public.
The government has provided a suite of plan options, including:
Silver Ride-Along
Cost: $10
• Viewing only
Gold Ride-Along – Most Popular
Cost: $175
• Participate in an arrest, including the handcuffing of a detainee
• Two 8×4 photo prints of you holding the illegal immigrant by the ears like a trophy buck
• A two-month free trial of Apple TV
Platinum Ride-Along
Cost: $950
• Everything from the Gold package, plus:
• Catching a “runner” with a dog-catching pole
• Free honorary ICE T-shirt and cap with the slogan “I Caught an Alien But Nobody Believes Me”
Diamond Ride-Along
Cost: $2,750
• Everything from the Platinum package, plus:
• Transportation to South Florida Detention Facility (Alligator Alcatraz)
• Participation in the “booking in” of prisoners
• Delousing and hose-down of prisoners
• Alligator feeding in front of detainees
• A commemorative special-edition Trump gold $49 coin
Corporate packages are also available, giving businesses the chance to choose an event—whether it’s a high school graduation, a farmers market, or even a Sunday church service—and accompany ICE agents on a full-scale raid as a team-building exercise. All standard plan options apply, with full training provided.
President Trump claimed on Truth Social that the program has already generated $3 billion in revenue. However, a statement from the Treasury Department showed that while the program has indeed been financially successful—975,000 people have signed up in the 48 hours since go-live, bringing in a total of $253 million—it still fell short of Trump’s $3 billion claim. Trump later labeled the Treasury’s statement “fake news,” leaving the $3 billion figure as the one considered to be more accurate.
Critics warn that the administration’s new program risks achieving the opposite of what it hopes for. They argue the deportation effort has been growing increasingly brutal and cold, and if this callousness continues, it could push public support in the opposite direction.
“I am a Republican voter and deeply support strong borders and the deportation effort, particularly of violent criminals… but this seems a little extreme. More than a little. Just calm it down a bit for fuck’s sake. Do it in a respectful and humane way and the public will continue to overwhelmingly support it. If you keep doing this shit in more cold-hearted ways each week, you will lose support and the people will swap sides,” said one commenter.
The administration declined to comment and seemingly isn’t bothered by dissenting voices, even from within their own party.
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