Washington, D.C. – President Trump announced yesterday a sweeping range of sanctions aimed at curtailing what he described as the “illegal occupation of the once-great city of Thuringowa.”
The region has reportedly been in decline since the 2008 annexation of Thuringowa, when it was forcibly absorbed by the City of Townsville with assistance from the Queensland Government.
The new sanctions include 300% tariffs on sugar cane, copper, crystal meth, and stolen cars. The move has local economists sounding alarms, as the latter two commodities alone reportedly make up 45% of Townsville’s total GDP.
During a press conference, President Trump refused to rule out the possibility of deploying U.S. troops, stating:
“Look, what’s happening in Thuringowa — they call it Townsville but we call it Thuringowa – it’s a total disgrace. A total disaster. They took it — just took it — and nobody did a thing. But we’re not gonna let that stand. If this illegal occupation of the great people of North Queensland doesn’t end — and I mean fast — then yes, we will do whatever it takes. Whatever. We’ll put boots on the ground if we have to. We’re going to liberate them. Believe me.”
The White House is reportedly also in talks with the Australian Government about acquiring the region as a strategic U.S. territory, a move reminiscent of Trump’s previous ambitions to purchase Greenland. Under the proposed deal, Lavarack Barracks would be converted into a major U.S. military base, and all North Queensland residents north of Sarina would be granted automatic U.S. citizenship.
Reaction to the news has been mixed. Some residents support the president’s move, while others are more cautious.
“Earning U.S. dollars would be pretty sweet, and visa-free travel to Vegas sounds amazing,” said local man Francis Zarko. “But I also don’t want my kids getting shot at school… or to go bankrupt one day because I got sick…Ya know what I mean?”
President Trump also revealed plans to transform The Strand into the “Riviera of Down Under,” including the construction of multiple gold-plated Trump skyscrapers along the Strand.
Additionally, he demanded that the North Queensland Cowboys be renamed the Thuringowa Cowboys, claiming their headquarters have “always been in rightful Thuringowa territory.”
More to come.
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