Thuringowa, USA — In a stunning display of historical appropriation, a non-American man reportedly referred to the Apollo 11 moon landing as something “we did,” despite playing absolutely no role in the mission, its funding, or even the nationality of those involved.
Eyewitnesses confirm the man — who hails from a nation that has never launched anything into low Earth orbit — confidently used the pronoun “we” while discussing mankind’s first steps on the lunar surface, a moment almost universally understood to be 100% American property.
“He said we planted the flag on the moon,” said one listener. “We. As if his uncle was holding the camera.”
While historians still debate the finer details of the Apollo program — including whether we went, whether the moon is real, how many Nazi scientists helped, and how much Stanley Kubrick was paid — one fact remains absolutely unchallenged:
This man and his countrymen contributed absolutely nothing to the mission.
When contacted for comment, NASA confirmed that the man in question — identified as “Miroslav Petrov” — was not on the official mission roster, had never been to Houston, and was only two years old in a different hemisphere at the time of the moon landing.
“He’s listed on no manifest, no crew log, and definitely no victory parades,” said a NASA spokesperson. “We appreciate the enthusiasm, but let’s not get ahead of ourselves.”
Outraged citizens across the U.S. are calling for an official apology and possible sanctions.
“Imagine if we started saying we invented French fries or Hamburgers,” said one patriotic Missouri man.
In a follow-up interview, Mr. Petrov attempted to walk back his claim by stating the moon landing was a “collective achievement for humanity.” To which Americans responded with an outright objection, as one person put it: “No sir, this achievement was as American as medical bankruptcies.”
At press time, Mr. Petrov was overheard claiming “we” also won World War II.
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