GENEVA, SWITZERLAND — In a hotly anticipated and heavily debated announcement, the International Council for Global Accountability (ICGA) has officially crowned Friendzoned Men as the worst group of people on Earth, narrowly beating out Groupchat Leakers and Pregnant Women in what officials called a “photo-finish of horrible people.”
“It was incredibly close,” said ICGA spokesperson Dr. Eli Saad. “But ultimately, someone DM’ing their female ‘friend’ ‘I’m sorry he’s like that babe, you deserve better’ edged out a woman screaming at you for merely existing.”
The decision was met with shock, particularly among the naive (or dishonest) women who insist these men are “just friends.”
The real problem, researchers argue, is that most people remain unaware of how toxic these men are. Studies have shown they:
• Lack authenticity, hiding behind a “nice guy” persona.
• Cling to women under the false pretense of friendship, hoping it will eventually turn romantic.
• Feel entitled to affection and grow resentful when “kindness” doesn’t result in sexual or romantic reward.
• Externalize blame for their complete lack of desirability.
• Demand pity for their carefully curated sad-boy love lives.
A study from the Thuringowa Institute of Technology (TIT) examined 2,000 self-identified friendzoned men. Findings revealed that 100.00% of them were predators who were actually vying for sexual intimacy with their “friend” — and all would be extremely disappointed if friendship was the only outcome.
Christopher Connors, spokesperson for the Council for the Ethical Treatment of Friendzoned Men (CETFM), pushed back in a statement released Friday:
“We have rightly fostered a culture where people generally feel sorry for us and also, rightly, think we are great. This ruling threatens that. Whilst there might be some bad actors, the majority of us really do care about our friendships with these beautiful women and want to show up for them — especially when they fight with their boyfriends. It doesn’t make us creepy; it makes us caring and emotionally available… exactly what they should be for her.”
The public’s reaction, however, was far less sympathetic.
“You know what, that makes sense. It’s like they’re waiting around in the lobby of a hotel they’ve been told they’re not welcome in, hoping one day the hotel kicks out its current guests and lets them in. It’s actually quite sociopathic,” said Max McCollum, a 32-year-old electrician from Phoenix.
“Truth is, we all know one of these predators. But public opinion on them is split at best,” said Will Luaki, a 25-year-old scaffolder from San Francisco. “So many people eat it up and think these guys aren’t the major predators I’ve always seen them to be. It’s good to see it finally highlighted.”
As for what comes next, ICGA officials confirmed that Friendzoned Men will retain the title for at least 12 months until the next count in 2026.
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