Editorial – Most of what we write at the Thuringowa Bulletin is fake, intentionally extreme, or purely facetious. This piece, however, is a serious editorial—completely true, and all figures are accurate.
If fatherhood were a survival course, most husbands would fail on the first day. It isn’t their fault, though—here are five reasons why you owe your husband a blowjob for watching his own kids.
1. Biological factors give women a major advantage
Throughout pregnancy and childbirth, women’s bodies undergo a massive transformation. Part of this transformation includes a surge in oxytocin and prolactin. Oxytocin is often called the bonding hormone, making the individual feel more emotionally connected to the child, while prolactin is often called the parenting hormone, motivating the mother to keep nurturing. Together, they form a powerful combo: caregiving feels good and you’re motivated to keep going.
After childbirth, women’s oxytocin levels dwarf men’s. Men only have about 10–30% of the oxytocin women experience postpartum, and just 5% of their prolactin levels. This is why, like most other things, it’s far easier for women.
2. Social conditioning
Men have been conditioned since childhood to believe caring for children is women’s work. And while the world has progressed in the last few decades, that conditioning remains. They never practiced as teens, most never even held a baby until their own, leaving them complete novices who were never mentally prepared for what they were about to endure.
3. Their fathers did barely any parenting
Most men grew up watching their fathers do almost zero parenting, so the male caregiver role was never modeled. Best case, they took the kids fishing twice annually. This exacerbates the lack of mental preparation—especially for Millennials and Gen X. Your husband is doing his best, winging it in every direction. More reason to appreciate him… and to be thankful you exist in this time in history and didn’t marry a Boomer.
4. You’ve coddled those children into being real assholes
You have. Those kids are horrible little shitheads because you’ve been way too soft on them. If Dad had the reins, those assholes wouldn’t dare put a toe out of line. Sure, they’d have significant trauma later in life—but the days would be quieter, and they’d know not to fuck around now. Plus, that’s what therapy is for.
5. It’s women’s work
As the first four points clearly demonstrate: it’s women’s work. Sorry, but science doesn’t lie. Your husband willingly—if a tad begrudgingly—signs up for it because he loves you and those children.
It would be comparable to women, at age 30, all of a sudden having to learn how to field dress a deer—you aren’t wired for it, society labels it a man’s job, you never saw your mother do it, you’ll likely disagree with your husband on how to do it, and, ultimately, it’s men’s work.
So, if those children are still breathing, give that man a BJ tonight to thank him for his love and hard work.
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