Washington, DC — Donald Trump has unveiled a new Greta Thunberg–style haircut while giving a rousing speech from the White House steps on Monday. The President reportedly requested the makeover in an effort to improve polling numbers with “environmentalists and lefties.”
The move comes as Greta Thunberg embarks on a flotilla — a small fleet of ships — headed for Gaza to deliver aid, after a “false start” on Sunday. The 22-year-old remains a prominent figure and has cemented herself as a bastion of the left. She has recently started weighing in on a wide range of left-wing causes, while the media continues to report on these comments… for some reason. Paradoxically, both her supporters and her critics often admit that Greta is the left’s sharpest and most charismatic spokesperson.
Trump was quick to celebrate his new ’do, stating:
“Everybody talks about my haircut — and let me tell you, folks, it’s the sexiest haircut you’ve ever seen. People said I couldn’t pull it off, but look at me now… they beg me to tell them the secret. And I’ll say this — it’s better than Greta. Much better than Greta. People are saying it, not me! The greatest haircut in history, maybe ever. And by the way, the environment — it was broken, everybody said it couldn’t be fixed. Guess what? I fixed it. Cleaner air, cleaner water, the best you’ve ever seen. Nobody fixes the environment like I do. Some people say my haircut fixed it, and you know what? They might be right!”
Despite the polarizing nature of both Greta and President Trump, the new style didn’t stop women and gay men from both sides of the aisle from celebrating the look.
“I’ve always said President Trump can get it whenever he wants it, but this new cut will be on rotation in my wank bank,” said Dixie Lou Hensley, a 68-year-old gun shop manager.
“She. Is. 100. Percent. Right. That man might be a pig and an existential threat to democracy, but he would definitely get it now!” echoed Joel Nikela, a local choreographer.
The haircut has now reportedly gone global, with people from all walks of life emulating the look. More to come.
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